By Guest Blogger Estell Long
Hello, my name is Estell, I am a wife, mother, daughter, sister, best friend and most importantly a woman of faith. I’ve had moments of happiness, pain, frustration, and joy. I know what it is to have loved and to have lost. Never would I have thought I would grieve for the loss of myself.
It Belongs to Me
I was born into a loving and caring household. I had two parents that worked hard for their family. We were taught to put God first, to treat others as you wish to be treated, to love one another and to love ourselves. My mother was and still is strong, independent, and brave, a woman of faith, so much so that I have witness how powerful her prayers are. She was all these things and yet a partner, a part of a team.
I grew into a young woman, that was full of hope, confidence, self-respect, I truly loved myself. Having that knowledge of securely knowing who and what I was and loving every part of me was an invincible feeling. The world was mine to conquer and there was no stopping me. I loved everything about myself, from my head to my toenails. I loved my mind; my heart and I trusted that God had me through it all.
Stolen and Lost
Fast forward-to me being a woman in her late twenties a mother of one and soon to be second, becoming a wife, ready to start a new chapter in her life. I freely and willingly gave myself over as a loving mother and devoted wife. Secure and confident, proud of what I thought I had, very much in love with whom I was, ready for the rest of the dream to be accomplished. Little did I know that the dream would be what nightmares are made of. This chapter of my life would leave me confused, unsure and insecure. He didn’t love me. How could he? To hit is not to love.
Everything I had emotionally, was given to my now three children. I had no room for loving anything or anyone else but them, thinking that would somehow make up for the situation they were now being a witness to. I was living a life set on auto pilot. In six years, the young woman who had been so full of life, and love was an empty shell. Torn down and beaten into a self-loathing, self-hating individual. Imagine a grief so deep that it rips into your soul, where it’s hard to even breathe. Every blink of an eye is a sting, sore from the constant stream that flows from them. How was it so easily stolen, the confidence, the self-worth, the love, snatched away with every torment. How could I just give it away, throw it away. I didn’t love this person called husband anymore and sure in the hell didn’t love myself. And God, God who? It was all stolen and it was all lost.
Search and Rescue
You know those moments in life when God brings something to your remembrance. A thought that enters not only your mind but, your heart. A memory while stroking my daughter’s hair while sitting on the side of my bed her head on my lap. Me a little girl, my head on my mother’s lap as she strokes my hair, tears streaming down my cheeks as I explain about being bullied that day, feeling completely defeated.
My mother’s voice soothing and calm, her reassuring words sounding in my ear as if it were yesterday, “Remember you are loved and never let anyone, or anything stop you from loving yourself”. A prayer said over me. I know it sounds crazy but, in that instant, I am flooded with warmth holding my daughter tight, crying one of those ugly cries, begging God to help me. Every thought was a reminder of who I once was and how I needed to search for that which was lost.
It was time to rescue myself. I desperately wanted to find her again, the woman that wouldn’t dare lower her head when she looked in the mirror. I prayed like I never prayed before. I prayed as I saw my mother pray. I called on him every day. I asked God for strength and courage no longer for patients. I asked God for the ability to love myself like I had when I first began. The rescue mission was in full effect. I would regain myself once again. I would end this chapter of my journey. A new chapter began, life was going to be full of peace for me and my children. God was back in control, and I was letting him lead. I would put in the work to get my first love back, me.
Found, Never to be Lost Again
Twelve years ago, I was lost but, now I am found. I am a whole new person. I am better than when I first began. I know truly how precious this life is and how important it is to love yourself unconditionally. I have asked my children for forgiveness and I’ve asked myself. I am now a woman who has true love within herself and was blessed to find it in a partner. I once again love every hair on my head and every inch of my body. I am proud of my journey. God is still in control and for that I am grateful. My prayers, now asking for the continuance of self-love and to never forget how fragile love is. I am a survivor, of abuse afflicted upon me from another. I am a survivor of abuse afflicted upon me from me. I have renewed and strengthen my faith it has carried me far. I am found, never to be lost again.
If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic violence, please seek help and safety for them and/or yourself. Here are some resources below:
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Local (Dallas, Texas) Genesis Women’s Shelter
