My Story
Yes, I am an adult survivor of childhood molestation. I was molested by my step-grandfather and my stepfather. My step-grandfather began when I was probably about two. I’m not sure. By the time I was six or seven, it just seemed natural. I don’t remember any time when it began to happen.
He told me that if I told my mother, she would go to jail, so I kept quiet. It wasn’t until we moved away from New Jersey to Idaho and I heard that he died that I finally told her what had been happening all those Sunday afternoons while she and my Nanna went shopping. I remember she left the room, vomited, and came back to sit by me. She was embarrassed, ashamed, and deeply hurt. I knew she had left home when she was a young teenager, but I didn’t know it had been because he had tried to molest her too. Her guilt was overwhelming. She said she had never thought that he would molest me.
As I became older, she remarried. This man began abusing me mostly verbally but some physically. She was pregnant with my little sister, and again, I kept quiet.
Was this why I became an alcoholic? Maybe. I learned that about 80% of alcoholic women had had similar experiences in their youth.
Forgiving
I learned that by holding the resentment inside, I was only increasing my own anguish. It became necessary for me to learn to forgive these men and even feel sorry for them. Because I’m a poet, I wrote about them. Then I wrote “Victory” and realized that I had finally come to terms with it.
I learned something else, too. Instead of trying to hide it or forget about it, I could use this experience to help other kids.
Warning Signs
Child molesters come in all shapes, sizes, ethnicities, and social stratospheres. We teach our kids to respect adults, and kids want to be loved. So, if there is an adult who is a molester and showers them with affection, they may not tell anyone.
I learned to tell all children to whom I am close, especially my daughters and granddaughter, to tell me about anyone who touches them and makes them feel uncomfortable. Also, tell me if someone tells them not to “tell”. Molesters tend to use fear or threatening words to keep kids quiet. Bear in mind molestation is not limited to girls, and molesters can be either gender.
I am understandably more sensitive to this issue than other people. Also, I’m a nurse. If someone had realized that the urinary tract infections I had when I was a child were from unclean fingers touching me, my step-grandfather may have gone to jail or maybe not. Children were told, as I was even by my poor, guilt-ridden mom, “Don’t tell anyone. It will just cause problems.”
It’s a difficult balance. You don’t want your child to be afraid, but you don’t want them to be molested either.
Protect Your Child
When a child has multiple urinary infections, has a change of behavior, begins to cry at night, has nightmares, or starts wetting the bed, try to find out what’s causing it. Try some gentle questioning. “Has anyone else been touching you there?”
And if your child tries to tell you something, listen. Put down your phone, turn away from your laptop, and turn off the TV. Most molested adults say, “ I tried to tell my mom, but she didn’t believe me.”
It is always possible it is innocent. It’s always possible it is not. It may be something you don’t want to hear. Who wants to hear that your husband, boyfriend, or father is doing something so horrible? If you are convinced, take your child to the doctor.
There may or may not be any physical evidence, but in any event, do not allow your child around this person. Go to the police. Yes, it’s ugly, but be sure your child feels safe.
Child molestation is horrendous and a lot more common than is usually known. By reaching out to others, you can help. Don’t turn your back. You can help.
My Healing
I am fine now. I have learned to trust again and to love again. I have been sober now for 15 years. By forgiving my molesters, and using my experience to help others, I have exceeded survival. I didn’t run or hide from my childhood trauma. Using what I have learned has helped me to heal. I hope it helps you too.
Victory
When you stole my innocence, you did not still my inner essence.
That in fact was left intact and my ability to trust was just put on hold.
Because as my life began to unfold it was revealed to me that what you did to me was not sealed to me.
I found that when you stole my treasure for your pleasure it was a measure of your self-worth.
And not mine and would not define me or undermine me.
In my quest for a solution to your moral dissolution.
It became my resolution to far from put it behind me, keep it in front of me
In plain sight, so the fright that I felt would dissipate, and the hate that threatened to devour me became a means to empower me.
As I dredged up forgiveness and pity for one as sad as you for one who could never understand that your action could never find a sanction.
And as I faced the facts of these acts I learned it was easier to live with my sorrow for the person you had become and feel victorious in the gloriousness of finding who I was meant to be.
And no one or anything will ever take that from me.
– Lori Trotter (Lady D)
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If you know a loved one who is dealing with child abuse, please seek help from someone you trust. 🫶🏾
NOTE: This website is for Texas. If you live outside of Texas, please do an online search for your state.
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