by Guest Blogger Zandra Carey
Who am I…Really?
As I sit here and create this blog for a really dear friend, I have to think back on our deep conversations regarding life, disappointments, accomplishments, joyful moments, tears shared, God talks, children driving us crazy talks, and so much more. These shared moments have created me to be the person I am today…the good, the bad, the ugly. We can’t embrace a fraction without embracing it all to make us whole.
These are the moments that have shaped me, strengthened me, enhanced my faith in God, and made me a better mother, friend, daughter, sister, and overall a better person. I am so grateful for my self-love and self-discovery journey. As I continue to walk this path, I would like to share how I got here and the steps taken to embrace this journey.
Tired of Fighting
On my 41ST birthday, I was heartbroken and depressed. I was tired of fighting and trying to change everyone…but myself. I didn’t celebrate my birthday that year. Instead, I purchased two books by Alex Elle titled, “After the Rain” and “How We Heal”, and made my favorite soup. After reading these very insightful pieces of work, I was very motivated to begin the healing process. I didn’t date or make space for others. Instead, I dated myself and focused on what I wanted to change. I continued to dig deep to discover how past trauma had manifested into my life; thus, creating fear, worry, control, and anxiety that so often taints relationships and friendships that we truly value.
As long as I was in control, no one could hurt me…right? I had to pray and ask God to release this toxic attribute that I had carried far too long. I also read a lot of Joyce Meyer’s books because she encountered the same betrayal trauma that I had experienced. Without effective counseling and spiritual guidance, we do not know how to heal ourselves. With this being said, we look to others, relationships, work, addictions, control, etc. for healing…or to keep us busy in constant avoidance of our true selves. Until we seek God and help for healing, we will continue to live in dysfunction. I had to unlearn this behavior, spiritually and mentally, to finally have the joy and peace I deserve.
Finally…
While I didn’t share a lot of personal experiences regarding my trauma and past, I finally feel that I am on the right path to freedom, peace, and healing. I am currently attending counseling and not afraid to face my past. I live authentically without regret. I do not have to shrink myself to feel loved and accepted. I realize my self-worth and enjoy spending time with myself. While this has not been an easy journey, I know God is leading me in the right direction.
Once we face the darkness, hidden truths, our past, the things we want to change about ourselves and stop trying to change others, we will be set free! We will bloom into the person whom God has created us to be. It is then that we will discover our purpose.
It is then that we stop putting everyone before ourselves. It is then that we put boundaries in place to protect our peace. It is then that we embrace our strengths and weaknesses equivalently. It is then that we genuinely accept ourselves and allow others to be themselves. It is then that we are truly, truly free.
This feeling, my friends, is priceless. I am still learning so much and I will continue to peel back the layers so that I continue to grow spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, and authentically. This is self-love. This is peace. This is freedom.
Resources to get you started. (No, we don’t get paid for recommending these.)
- The Shadow-Work Journal
- Today I Affirm – A Journal that Nurtures Self Care
- The Life You Want – Love and Happiness Journal
- After the Rain
- How We Heal
