Listen to Commentary Here 👇🏾.
Listen to the poem “Invisible Line” here 👇🏾.
One thing I have really worked hard on in my life is becoming more empathetic. Working on this character trait has helped me to become more forgiving and understanding toward people. Being compassionate has also allowed me to show grace in many situations where I would have in the past written someone off.
I consider myself now a grace giving, empathetic, forgiveness machine. It is great!
I’m putting myself in other people’s shoes and understanding why they do what they do. My heart has become softer towards them, and even if I don’t agree with what they are doing, I say things like, “Maybe they are having a bad day.” Or “This is not about you, Leeann.” I will sometimes say something like, “I’m going to forgive you even if you didn’t ask for it.” (Remember, forgiveness is not about them! See blog post: The Path to Letting Go and Discovering the Truth)
I feel light as a feather, and something else has happened. I started extending myself the same empathy and compassion. It would sound like this: “Awww Leeann… you had a bad day. It’s ok. Things happen.” and, “Leeann, you did what you did because you felt justified. It’s understandable.”
How can empathy possibly go wrong?
Empathy is amazing. It allows me to step out of my daily perspective and see things differently, but a problem begin to occur. I became too empathetic! Well, it really wasn’t empathy. Permissiveness was the real problem. It is defined as “excessive freedom.”
Permissiveness is what happens when you use the excuse of empathy to allow people to do whatever they want around or to you. You begin to make excuses for their behavior. I’m not exactly sure when the switch occurs from being understanding to being permissive, but if you’re not careful, it will sneak up on you.
Boundaries
Boundaries are the rules and limits we set for ourselves and our relationships. They are the proverbial lines that people should not cross when around you. Setting boundaries allows you to teach people how you want to be treated. They tell people what you are willing to tolerate. Boundaries also give you a set of “rules” to live by. “I will do this…but I won’t do that.”
Not setting boundaries for yourself and others can leave you feeling disappointed and disrespected.
Some people struggle with setting boundaries. They let people run all over them, not wanting to be looked down upon as not being understanding. They’re too afraid to hurt feelings or make people upset.
In my case, I didn’t want to upset myself! I didn’t set boundaries for myself. When I did, I didn’t follow through on them. I didn’t want to be uncomfortable.
Empathetic Grace Giving OR Scapegoat Excuse Making
I started using empathy as my excuse to forgive behaviors I knew I wanted to change. Empathy became my scapegoat. “Don’t be so hard on yourself, Leeann. Everyone is struggling with something.” “It’s a special day. If you can’t do it now, then when?” Every day became a special day. It became a never-ending cycle: Set Boundary – Cross Boundary Line – Feel Guilty – Make an Excuse – Feel Better – Repeat!
Empathy is not a valid excuse for lacking boundaries in our lives. We are not in control of many things in our lives, but the one thing we can do is establish clear expectations for how we want people to treat us and how we want to treat ourselves.
If setting boundaries is a problem for you, take the emphasis off of their behavior and focus on your needs.
We can be understanding and caring without being permissive. Take some time to reflect on your relationship with yourself and others and evaluate if your boundaries are clear and non-negotiable. You will thank yourself later. Take care of yourself sis’. 🫶🏾
