Last updated on May 26, 2025
The Experiences that Shape Us
We have all dealt with traumatic experiences that can make us or break us. These experiences place deep imprints on our hearts and minds that can stick with us throughout our lives.
Childhood experiences like abuse, abandonment, and neglect can lead to parent-child resentments in later years. Some circumstances also challenge our adult relationships, such as job loss, divorce, or betrayal by someone close to us. When these things happen to us, we suffer pain and resentment. How can we move forward and heal from these situations instead of sitting stagnant?
Why am I carrying the load?
When we are hurt, emotions like anger and bitterness flood our minds, and we begin to allow others to control us because of our inability to confront our emotional trauma. These emotions can affect our health and hinder our growth, and in some instances, cause us to seek revenge and hold resentment against the offenders rather than seeking solutions to move forward.
Holding on can sometimes be rooted in our fears. We fear moving on past the hurt and the pain because we feel shame and embarrassment. Our imaginations lead us to believe the whole world is laughing at us or that we are the only ones who have gone through this situation. We avoid talking to people about it and use self-destructive behaviors as a substitute for facing our problems.
“It’s the principle of the matter.” Have you ever said this or heard someone say this statement? Sometimes we refuse to let go of our anger or resentment because we feel that justice was not served to the offender. We want things to be rectified, and when they are not, we don’t want to release ourselves from making sure that the person who hurts us gets what they deserve. We want them to feel our pain, but it hardly ever ends this way. Most of the time, the person who has hurt us has long moved on from the situation, while we are still trying to administer our retribution. Someone once told me that I was drinking the poison, expecting the other person to die, meaning I’m punishing myself by holding on to everything and counting on the other person to feel remorseful or the pain like we did.
“You are allowed to let go of all those that do not set you free anymore.”
— DHIMAN
Focusing Forward
The first step in letting go is allowing faith to begin the healing process. It’s the ability to walk by faith and not by sight. Part of healing is learning to let go of the hurt, pain, and shame of those unnecessary burdens.
Just like airplanes have capacity restrictions, certain things cannot go with you along the path to healing and letting go if you ever intend on soaring to new heights.
There have been many times that I have asked myself why I should forgive someone who has hurt me. They hurt me, and now I have to do the work of forgiveness, too? They do not deserve my forgiveness. It may be hard to forgive someone who will not consider your feelings! It just doesn’t seem fair.
Forgiveness is not for them. Forgiveness is for you. Unforgiveness is a poison and a dead weight that lives inside you and holds you down. It takes more energy to hold on to negative emotions than to let them go. Imagine transferring many heavy bags somewhere, and the relief you feel when you finally set those bags down. You feel lighter. When you decide to forgive a person, you are not saying that what they did was okay. You’re saying that you choose yourself! You are releasing yourself from anger, bitterness, resentment, and self-destruction.
“So I have forgiven this person. Now what?” Once you have made a conscious effort to release yourself from all the negativity that has been weighing you down, it is now time to refocus. This means it’s time to prioritize what’s important in your life and work towards accomplishing your goals. You must understand that behind every disappointment lies a blessing, and everything that has been done to you (negatively) and for you (positively) is preparing and setting you up for better things down the road. You cannot open new doors with old keys. Therefore, looking back and rehashing the past is not an option you should choose.
Be mindful of trigger points that may remind you of the past and divert your focus. Things like negative self-talk and even poor advice from well-meaning friends can cause you to relapse into past behaviors.
Finding Value
The process of letting go is not easy. It takes time, patience, and compassion for yourself. There will be days when it feels too heavy and hard. Once I made it through the process of letting go and began to heal, I was able to sleep at night. My mind wasn’t working overtime, spending energy on hating someone else. I was able to redirect my energy to loving myself and appreciating my worth. I discovered my strength and started living for myself. I was able to reflect on the experiences I had dealt with and use them to create a better life for myself.
It will be well worth it when you take care of yourself 🫶🏾.
Listen to “Cleaning Out My Closet”
