Healing My Money Story: A Confession, Not a Lecture
I’m not a financial expert. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve spent when I shouldn’t. I’ve also bought things to make myself feel better, only to regret it later. But I’ve also learned—and I’m learning still.
This blog post isn’t going to fix all your money problems with “3 Easy Steps,” but I want you to know that if you’ve ever struggled with your relationship with money, you are not alone—and there is HOPE.
How I Got to this Point
When I started earning a salary as a professional teacher, I was RICH or at least I thought so 😂. It was the most money I had ever made until that point, so I was on top of the world! My first husband and I planned on buying a house so I couldn’t go crazy spending, but I still enjoyed my paycheck. I did the “adult” thing and paid my bills on time (mostly), but we still enjoyed our checks. That meant if a bill was due, but so was a vacation, we took the vacation and made up the bill later.
Eventually, my marriage ended, and I was left with a paycheck and a ball of emotions. Spending became a pastime. I ensured I had what I “needed”, wanted, and anything in between. I made enough money, so it was never an issue.
I knew for certain that I would not be without something I wanted if I could buy it. Spending became my therapy. I felt like, “I deserve this. I shouldn’t have to deny myself anything. You only live once! YOLO!!!”
TRIPS, TRINKETS, TOYS! If I bought myself something, I bought my child something too. We lived a “humble” yet good life.
A few years later, I made a significant life decision that wiped away my stable paycheck. I decided to quit my job and homeschool my child. It was an exciting yet stressful new adventure.
I had gotten into the habit of spending when I wanted to, and at this point, nothing changed, until I ran out of savings! Then it became all about survival.
There were no more trips or regular restaurant visits. Everything just stopped, and it came down to whether I had enough money to pay the rent.
This is when I realized that what I was doing was no longer working for me. In fact, it never really worked. I was substituting spending for the pain of a lost relationship, and even once that pain was gone, my bad spending habit was still there.
From Avoidance to Awareness
Before, knowing the balance of a bill became so stressful that I didn’t even check it. There were times that I actually had enough to pay the bill, but I had anxiety so bad that I just didn’t log in to pay it. By the time I did log in, I had either spent the money, the bill had doubled, or even worse, I was suddenly sitting in the dark.
Now, I am aware of the feelings and situations that may cause my spending to spiral out of control.
At this point in my financial healing, financial wellness means keeping track of my bills, checking my balance before I go into a store, and knowing my triggers, values, and goals.
The Struggle is Real
I have definitely come a long way, but at times I still struggle with denying myself or bill anxiety.
There is something, though, that has motivated me to get my life in order. Can you guess? If you guessed my child, you were right! Sometimes, when you’re going through your own mental and emotional struggles, you forget that someone is watching you to see how you handle situations. As I reflected on how I had been with my child, I came to the sobering realization that I was teaching the do as I say, not as I do parenting strategy when it came down to handling money. I would always tell him. “Don’t do what I did — am doing.”
I have decided that this is not the legacy that I want to leave.
There is Hope
If you’re a woman who feels behind, broke, or ashamed of your spending habits, please know this: awareness is a win. It’s the first step toward healing your relationship with money; you are not alone.
I’m not yet where I want to be, but I’m on my way. And if you’re truly ready to turn things around, there is hope for you, too.
Feel free to DM me or share your story on social media using #MyMoneyStory—I’d love to hear how you’re navigating your own path to financial wellness.
