Listen to the poem “Identity Crisis Part 2” below 👇🏾.
Many people want to be married, but they don’t know what to do when they get married, AND they don’t know what to do in the meantime. The “meantime” is the period before you and your future partner meet. It is also the period when you are interviewing….ahem….I mean dating each other.
We get into these relationships and when things start going wrong, we ask ourselves, “Why didn’t I see the red flags on this person before I made such a commitment?” The reality is, maybe the red flag wasn’t the other person. Maybe it was you! Here are 3 signs that YOU might be the RED FLAG in your relationship. Side Note: This blog post will talk as if you are already in a relationship, however, if you are not yet or just dating, reflect on how you can take this information and use it to save yourself a bunch of heartache and pain in the future.
Sign #1 – Your identity is masked by theirs.
I met my first husband when I was 19 years old. We dated for 9 years until we got married. He was my very first and serious boyfriend. I was so goo-goo ga-ga in love that I went along with everything he like to do. He liked video games. So did I. He watched horror movies. Me too. The kind of food he ate was the kind of food I ate as well. He played sports. I watched it on TV 😂 🤣. I was almost a female version of him. Now of course it is important to share some of the same interests with your partner, but I would say I took that to the extreme. So much so that when we separated, and I was all by myself… I didn’t know who I was! I didn’t know what I liked. My whole identity had been tied up in him for well over 13 years.
Good Friends
I remember sitting at home, not knowing what to do for fun. I had AMAZING friends that encouraged me to get out by myself and explore events, foods, and hobbies. I would tell one of my friends that it was boring to go out by myself, and she gave me the best advice for that complaint. She said, “Leeann, if you don’t enjoy spending time with yourself, you can’t expect someone else to want to spend time with you!” After that, I began dating myself. I went to movies, concerts, and theme parks by myself. I went to restaurants on a busy Friday night, and they wanted me to sit at the bar. I insisted that I needed a booth for the three of us: me, myself, and I! I begin to know who I was, what I believed in, what I liked, and what I would and would not tolerate. It truly was an awakening.
How that has helped me in my current marriage:
My husband and I love doing things together. We share very similar interests, but I’m not afraid to go and just “Do me” for a little while. It is important to have that. When you come back together from your time away, you will be more interesting to each other, and you won’t depend on someone else to define you or create your happiness because you will know how to do it yourself which will strengthen your relationship.
Sign #2 – When they don’t give you what you want, you don’t give them what they want.
Ok. If you have ever said something like, “When they decide to do _______. Then I will do _________.” then you, my dear ARE the red flag. I know… I know… it gets frustrating when you want them to do something and they don’t. Then you feel a “certain kind of way” about it, and you want them to know it, but this is passive-aggressive behavior and it honestly made things worse towards the end of my first marriage. Why? I believe the scientific principle that energy cannot be created or destroyed, but only transferred applies to relationships as well.
Therefore, me being upset and withholding my lovin’, cooking, cleaning, or whatever it was because he didn’t do something I wanted him to do NEVER made him want to do it for me. If anything, it only made him want to NOT do it more! Also as a digression, make sure he actually KNOWS you would like him to do something for you. So many times we have these unsaid expectations, and we expect our men to be mind readers because “They are grown and should know better!”. It’s not fair to you, and it’s certainly not fair to them.
How that has helped me in my current marriage:
Communication in any relationship is important but is key to the survival of your marriage. Tell that man what you need! Ask him what he needs from you. Don’t assume they should know just because “We’re all grown!”. Also, since energy ping pongs off of you back onto them, make sure you give the kind of energy you would be happy to receive back.
Sign #3 – You think you don’t have any problems because you don’t “fight”.
I used to think, “I have a perfect marriage. We never argue about ANYTHING.” So let me tell you what really happened. We didn’t “fight” because a lot of things were swept under the rug. If we did get upset with each other about something, we may, or may not exchange a few words. Then I was really good at the silent treatment, and once I was tired of being silent…it was business as usual. Things didn’t get resolved. They got avoided, big difference. Honestly most of the time when it became business as usual…I would just go on and do what I wanted to do. He wasn’t going to stop me, and he wasn’t going to confront me about it. It was a mess.
How that has helped me in my current marriage:
Healthy conflict is NOT a bad thing. You will have a rude awakening if you believe that you and your partner will agree on everything, but don’t just sweep it under the rug. Conflict left unchecked is like a dormant volcano just waiting to explode, and when it does, it destroys everything around it. As I said in the above paragraph, communication is vital. Both partners have to be open to hearing the other person’s perspective. It’s not easy especially if you think you may not get your way. I know, but it is necessary for the strength and survival of your marriage.
Check Yo’ Self
Marriage is great! Until it’s not. It’s exciting…until it becomes mundane. It’s easy… until it becomes hard. We normally like to look at the other person and find things about them that are the reasons for our failing relationship, and even though they may play a big part in it, the ONLY thing you can control is yourself. So take a look at yourself and decide if you, indeed are the RED FLAG. You owe it to yourself to take care of yourself (and your marriage) 🫶🏾.
